Something I came up with

TenebrisTenebris Senior
edited July 2014 in Creative Writing
He could not control himself and whipped out his wang and started stroking it furiously, thinking of the Huscarl. After about 20 secon -

Someone was knocking on the door. The Cleric put down the book he got from the Man-at-Arms on the tablet. His "services" were needed, and he had to go. 1350, the Black Plague. Uncountable souls were taken by the pandemic, and it was still on. The Clerics' work was not simply healing your wounds and preaching about our Lord. What History books didn't write down is that they were part of the Order. This board of Clerics were designed ages before the Knight's Templar in order to combat any demonic threat that may cause "problems" in the world. Our most dearest Cleric was part of this organization.

People always thought he is the kind-hearted priest of the little town. What they didn't knew is that he had to satisfy his own morbid curiosity. That's why he was a part of the Order. He could combat the world's abominations, and learn "with" them. If cutting them up is considered as learning. He took dead bodies from the nearby hospital occasionally, to learn about the human body "with" them. He did this for years, and The Archer, The Heavy Knight or even our dear Frenchman didn't knew about it. This time, the organization required the Cleric's most dearest friends too, which is a rare sign.

The Cleric knew that it's the Plague again, he was needed more times than ever in these dark times. Unlike his "usual" equipment when fighting Pirates and Vikings, he used a sword too named "Ahzidal". This sword was blessed by the Clerics to have power against demons themselfs. While normal weapons were effective against creatures, they lacked powers against demons.

They arrived at the town. It was hollow, not a single soul, except them, The Corrupted. Historians wanted to forget about the monstrosities created by the plague, these abominations were once human. After contracting the plague, they became mindless slaves for the demons themselfs.

The Plague itself was created by the demons to make humanity their slaves. The Order didn't want people to get scared, so they covered the demon part up as " a Plague ". Some were resistant against it, just like our heroes. The majority of the people failed to resist, either because they were weak, or the demons offered fake wealth and power, corrupting their mind in the process.

Our warriors prepared, and went forward to "clean" the little town...



My first try with writing. I would like to know how bad it is, and that you guys are interested about a " Yersinia " saga after all, possibly with multiple Chapters ( would depend on me and your feedback).
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Comments

  • Links121995Links121995 Beta Tester, Authorized Creator
    edited July 2014
    I am truly sorry for what I am about to say.

    "Show, don't tell." (I do not like giving that advice, good as it is.)

    With that out of the way... It is, like many stories, an interesting premise. Unfortunately, you've put all of the backstory and exposition in the opening chapter.

    You've used "themselfs" in place of "themselves". I don't know about you, but I had to take a mental step back when I saw that.

    Readers will use their imaginations to fill in what appears to be a hole. This is good. It frees you up to write down more story. You did not leave many holes.

    Now, onto some specifics:

    The Cleric put down the book he got from the Man-at-Arms on the tablet.

    His "services" were needed, and he had to go. < This should be dialogue.

    1350. - This number will be forgotten in seconds. People here will assume the piece takes place in medieval times before they read one single word, unless that one single word is "In" and even then, only if it's followed by "the future."

    most dearest Cleric. - The reader has not one single reason to consider the Cleric "most dearest".

    The Archer, The Heavy Knight or even our dear Frenchman. - If you're going to have one of each class, I suggest avoiding class names. Maybe mention their profession/role once, to let the audience know. Even then, do it subtley, with style. Also, don't capitalize the Ts in "the".

    more times than ever in these dark times. - Overuse of "times".

    fighting Pirates and Vikings. - Again, anyone here will know about this. Mentioning it outside the context of an actual encounter (past, present, or yet-to-take-place) breaks the fourth wall more than it informs the reader.

    "Ahzidal" - This word. It's gibberish, isn't it?

    It reads like an introduction, but it introduces the wrong things, and its rythym is off. Important details, history (too much, in my opinion), and scene-setting are explained thoroughly, as though to a class, while the characters we love are glossed over.

    Some grammatical errors and tense inconsistencies.

    5.5/10 Keep trying, I believe in you. I hereby offer to edit what you write.

    Oh, and it needs a title.
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  • TenebrisTenebris Senior
    edited July 2014

    I am truly sorry for what I am about to say.

    "Show, don't tell." (I do not like giving that advice, good as it is.)

    With that out of the way... It is, like many stories, an interesting premise. Unfortunately, you've put all of the backstory and exposition in the opening chapter.

    You've used "themselfs" in place of "themselves". I don't know about you, but I had to take a mental step back when I saw that.

    Readers will use their imaginations to fill in what appears to be a hole. This is good. It frees you up to write down more story. You did not leave many holes.

    Now, onto some specifics:

    The Cleric put down the book he got from the Man-at-Arms on the tablet.

    His "services" were needed, and he had to go. < This should be dialogue.

    1350. - This number will be forgotten in seconds. People here will assume the piece takes place in medieval times before they read one single word, unless that one single word is "In" and even then, only if it's followed by "the future."

    most dearest Cleric. - The reader has not one single reason to consider the Cleric "most dearest".

    The Archer, The Heavy Knight or even our dear Frenchman. - If you're going to have one of each class, I suggest avoiding class names. Maybe mention their profession/role once, to let the audience know. Even then, do it subtley, with style. Also, don't capitalize the Ts in "the".

    more times than ever in these dark times. - Overuse of "times".

    fighting Pirates and Vikings. - Again, anyone here will know about this. Mentioning it outside the context of an actual encounter (past, present, or yet-to-take-place) breaks the fourth wall more than it informs the reader.

    "Ahzidal" - This word. It's gibberish, isn't it?

    It reads like an introduction, but it introduces the wrong things, and its rythym is off. Important details, history (too much, in my opinion), and scene-setting are explained thoroughly, as though to a class, while the characters we love are glossed over.

    Some grammatical errors and tense inconsistencies.

    5.5/10 Keep trying, I believe in you. I hereby offer to edit what you write.

    Oh, and it needs a title.


    Oh, I was sitting in front of my PC waiting for someone to respond.

    "You've used "themselfs" in place of "themselves". I don't know about you, but I had to take a mental step back when I saw that."

    Grammar is always an issue, I can't type correctly. Not because I'm a primitive ( of course not ), it's solely because I'm learning the language. I try and want to write normally on a day though.

    I appreciate for showing me the errors I made, and I will work on learning from these mistakes. Also, it's my bad habit to call individuals "dear" or "dearests".

    I don't think I will edit this post, more likely I will write another one instead, with less backtory and something to fill the space if needed. I wanted to re-name it, but I forgot I cannot edit the title once I posted it ( maybe I can but I couldn't find it ).

    So again, I appreciate your feedback Links121995, I will work on being a better. Well, as good as I can become with a grammar like mine.
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  • Links121995Links121995 Beta Tester, Authorized Creator
    edited July 2014
    There's nothing wrong with referring to somebody as "dear" or "dearest". I do that as well. I simply felt that there was no reason to call him dearest when we first met this character.

    "Here is a guy. He is now your best friend. Accept it."

    I strongly recommend not quoting particularly long posts. Just the bits that you wish to respond to, and if you wish to respond to the whole thing, don't quote it at all.
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  • TenebrisTenebris Senior
    edited July 2014
    All right. I appreciate the tips you give me. With your assistance, I may be able to write normally one day, hahah.
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